Saturday, May 14, 2011

No More Crazy B*tches!!

So just to warn you, now that I don’t have regular internet access, these posts will be grouped together, but understand time has passed between them. That is important.

So time moves in mysterious ways on the ship, a good week can feel like a day, a bad week can feel like a year. Yesterday I spent the day in mourning, longing for someone to hold me and comfort me and let me be vulnerable, and then last night when I said it out loud, I realized I didn’t need it anymore. I am a very capable woman who has been far too self indulgent of late and I am just getting really annoyed with myself. I got a wake up call from a dear (and very blunt) friend of mine last night who said that I am not a girly girl and that I am starting to get on his nerves because my self-doubt is entirely unfounded especially on the cusp of one of the coolest experiences of my life. I have been feeling bad and responsible for everyone of late and really indulging in the crazy but I know this crazy is not me, so I’m just going to let it go and stop feeling bad about not feeling bad. Time for an attitude adjustment…again. I even talked to my husband today and asked him if he was ok with my just letting this go for a while and not feeling bad anymore. His response? “Yes, please.” Why is it so hard to just move on? I guess I felt like with as many mistakes as I have made, I shouldn’t just be able to walk away but, what’s done is done and I can’t change it. I can only learn from it and strangely enough, the people who have been directedly affected by my rabid swath of destruction all just want me to move on and be happy because, despite my best efforts to be a horror, they all still appear to love me, and perhaps, after a time, even still like me. So, time to love and like myself. Time to find the fun again and laugh at my foibles. Au Revior, Mon Ami. Mark this day. Today starts a new life for Ms Laurel Spears. No more feeling bad, or holding tight to what has already past. No more crying in electrical closets. I'm free! I'm forgiving myself and moving on. And now I'm going to the Med(iterranean).

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