But one of the greatest obstacles, one I never wanted to
acknowledge was my ex-husband who supported the efforts which benefited him
most. I never wanted to see it, to believe it or to acknowledge it because I
was collusive in the lie which said, “We do our own thing and that’s good. He pursues his interests and I pursue mine.
And I don’t need anyone to be successful.”
See, my generation in particular has been taught that as
women, we should seek independence as a badge of honor, that marriage and
family were early on career suicide having been raised by amazingly overworked mothers
who were sold a bad bill of goods with the supermom myth. I never really
believed that career and family were mutually exclusive however I did believe
that it was understandable to have a partner who did not actively support my
interests and endeavors because I was an independent woman and I was in love.
All I wanted was to have him in some small part of my life and to immerse
myself in his.
Here’s the trick though, the thing about love that kind of
sucks. Just because you love someone and they love you doesn’t mean you are
good partners. You might even be good companions, we were brilliant travel
buddies, compatible in many ways. But for me, the biggest problem was until I
was in a relationship with a true partner, I didn’t understand the difference.
Because we don’t approach love and marriage like we approach business; it’s
unromantic, it’s unchivalrous, it’s uncivilized. Or so we’re led to believe by
the fairy tales and the magazines.
Funny thing is, I’m very business-minded and practical in
most of my life; always have been. Always had a can-do attitude. I just had a
blind spot for love. So my solution when I got resistance from the one person
who should have had my back was to just do it all myself. Which I did. For a
long time. And to my credit, pretty effectively given the circumstances.
But, here’s the big reveal…removing that caveat, “Given the
circumstances”, I have accomplished more in a year alone and in two years with
a partner than I did in ten with a spouse because I stopped fighting an uphill
battle and instead starting working on a level playing field. It’s still a lot
of ground to cover, but there’s a lot less standing in the way and two people
conquering the obstacles together.
So should you approach marriage like you approach work? Maybe,
maybe not. But I do think that once you have a partner, where it isn’t just
about him or her supporting you or you supporting him or her and instead you
spend time with someone sharing mutual respect, understanding, sacrifice and
support, it is amazing how much more you can accomplish. We learn this in
kindergarten, “work together”, “share”, “raise your hand and ask for help” and
yet so often we short change ourselves in love and in life because we put the
other person’s needs and wants so far above our own. Sacrifice is not the enemy
but it has to be mutually beneficial. Eliminate the obstacles, work together
and you become a force to be reckoned with. You don’t have to be the same, but
you should be a compliment. And on this point, don’t compromise.
Check out the definition of a relationship: “the way in which
two or more concepts, objects, or people are connected, or the state of being
connected” and “the way in which two or more people, groups,
countries, etc., talk to, behave toward, and deal with each other.” But a
partner is “a person who takes part in an undertaking with another.”
Don’t we want to stop settling for romantic relationships and instead strive
for life partners, someone who takes part in the life of another. How awesome
would that be?
How awesome would that be, you ask? Well, give me time, I’ll tell ya!
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