Tuesday, September 11, 2012

September 11

This is such a difficult time to contemplate.  Each year, everyone wants to revisit the horrific hours leading to the collapse of the twin towers and the attacks on the pentagon; the impact of which is made all the more palpable by social networking sites dredging up old memories and graphic photos.  We start the day with a moment of silence and some people have even called for a national day of mourning.  But September eleventh is also someone's birthday.  It is someone's anniversary or the day they met their significant others or the day someone bought a house or a car or started a new job.  Completely independent of the attacks, it is a day that meant something to someone.  And now it is a day we are not meant to be happy. 

No one who ever lived, no one who ever survived a near death experience said to his or her family, "Because I lived, I want you to honor my memory every day.  Because I lived, your life is over, you are shattered, a shadow of your former self.  Because I lived, to prove your love for me, your life shall be forever ruined."  So why would we think that someone who died would have such a wish for us?  You honor your loved ones not by pausing your life but by embracing it.  You celebrate your loved one by living your life to the fullest, the most joyful, the richest.  You fill the void they left with new memories, not with a constant longing for what has been lost.  You be the hero of your own life, and yes, it is hard, it is a struggle but it is the greatest way to repay the sacrifices that were made.

Never let your life become complacent or less that you deserve to honor someone else.  Do not squander this life out of some misguided sense of indebtedness.  If someone really loved you, they would wish nothing less than everything for you.

Live your life for you but live it with the fullness of living it for others.  In this you celebrate their life, their legacy.  There is no reason to memorialize a ghost.

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

The End of the Beginning

So, here it is, the completion of a cycle. I am divorced, I've changed my name, found love, lost love, found myself and...well, I'm kind of pretty d*mned happy. So what happens now? Oh, to fill you in, my prolonged absence was the result of a long term project that has been occupying my blogger brain for months-adapting my story to the stage. Ok, I didn't actually do it, but I helped. And I watched it progress from a little baby blog to a tyrannical teenage script to a fully fledged adult show...I mean not an "adult" show but, you know what I mean. And in the meantime I also had a life. My boyfriend has become my fiancé, a development I never saw coming. But it begs the question, what now? This whole thing began as an experiment, a journey to find myself, the self I had lost to the ages, the self who was in love with herself with no desire to change and no need for a partner. But in this journey, I discovered a few things. I discovered, no matter how much I wanted to believe the contrary, I never really had a partner. I discovered there are people in this world who want nothing more than to be around you and influenced by you. I discovered that most people have secret lives which they often and sadly spend the lion-share of their time shielding from the world. And I discovered that there are people out there who really do love you for exactly who you are and in their company you are your best self. I always knew that I was that for others but somehow I always missed that it might apply to me.


Now I stand at the precipice. No, my life is not a fairy tale. I'm about to lose the house that has not been mine for some time; I don't know how I'm going to pay for the next few months of my life much less a wedding. And yet, I haven't been this happy or excited in years. So dear reader, I put it to you. Do I end the story here, or are you willing to continue the journey? I suspect there is yet a great deal more to tell.