Saturday, May 14, 2011

Day One Without a Net

So today was a rough one. I feel awful because I keep lashing out, making the same painful error as before. I seek approval from those who would withhold it, and I lambast the ones who would until they can’t even remember what they liked about me in the first place. I have of late been equally hard on both myself and Heath who has entirely moved on despite my desires to the contrary. And somehow, I seem to think if I just keep pushing and prodding and denigrating that somehow he will come to his senses and realize what a prize I am!! G*d, what is wrong with me? And in the meantime, I am trying to find the fun again. I have taken up Spanish and am reinstructing myself on juggling and belly dancing and finally after seven weeks recovery I am able to run again. One more breakup and I’ll be able to start my own circus school.

Here’s the sad thing I’ve realized in retrospect. When I went home, what I really wanted more than anything was for Heath to hold me and stroke my hair and tell me that everything was going to be ok. And I didn’t want to tell him because I wanted to respect his wishes and I was conflicted about my own feelings and I didn’t want him to see me weak. So instead I let him see me crazy. Really, really crazy! Not really better. I have gone from my first shipboard experience feeling happy and secure and for the first time in my life, beautiful, looking forward to starting a new life, to spending these first few weeks crying in the middle of sail away parties and hiding in electrical closets, racked with supreme blind terror that not only have I no idea how to be alone or even happy, but that I have ruined three lives with my indecisiveness, over analysis and misguided caution. I think maybe I was so worried about losing myself in another man and making sacrifices that it never occurred to me that maybe I wasn’t making a sacrifice at all. Maybe it’s ok to change directions if you are heading towards something better. I have made so many sacrifices over the years because what I wanted and who I actually was didn’t align with what my partner wanted. But here’s the great irony; this time, it didn’t feel like a sacrifice. I was ready to just walk away from this if Heath had asked me and because he loved me, he didn’t ask. Holy cr*p, maybe that’s what love really is. It’s making compromises not sacrifices because ultimately the reward is so much greater than the loss. Boy do I wish I had understood that before. And maybe, it jsut was what it was, a moment in time we both needed. And it's ok that it wasn't more than that, because that was still a lot. I think somehow I thought if it wasn't forever, it wasn't real. I don’t know if there will ever be another beautiful Demon in my future. There will be others but I’ve now had three great loves in my life; each unique and each I think perhaps an improvement and compliment to the previous, I don’t know if you can really ask for another. Now if I can learn to love myself again, perhaps I will have a chance in the future of finally getting it right if I ever meet someone who wants only me. For now though, I need to change focus.

You know, people say to me all the time, “I wish I was like you.” Or “I want to be you when I grow up.” But you know why people want to be me? Because they aren’t…and they shouldn’t be. People envy me because they see what they want and they see a better sense of themselves reflected back but they haven’t experienced what it is to be a muse. People think I’m funny and interesting, cool and most of all, untouchable. But the truth is, it’s lonely and kind of pathetic unless I can share it with someone else. They don’t understand, what I want is what they already have. I want love and babies and holding hands in public and I want to find a musician who just wants to sing stupid love songs with me and cabaret around the country in little dives while our four year old sits playing in the back with the babysitter and we laugh at all the little foibles in the world because we notice them even if no one else does. Ok, maybe that’s not exactly the American dream, but it’s a close proximity. And it’s what I want. I thought that was going to be my life with my husband. Now I don’t know what to think. He would reconcile if I would agree but my g*d, I am so tired of living a lie and we both deserve better. I don’t want the double and triple and quadruple life anymore. If I’m in love, I want the world to know, and if I can’t have that kind of love, then I suppose I’d rather be alone and just love, wait, that came out wrong. Though I gotta say, right now, alone sucks an awful lot.

Right now, I’m just white knuckling my way through my life and trying desperately to find my sense of humor again because that has carried me through so many times before while not wearing out my friends. I have become a drama queen, something I can’t abide in others and something that doesn’t actually sit well with me either; it’s not who I am but I am physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted from the effort of trying to stave off the fear. I thought maybe just embracing the crazy for a bit would be helpful-it was something new to try but it isn’t for me. And for the second time since my mother died, I don’t know what to do and I can’t ask for her help. I’m out of resources and I’ve depleted my reserve. I don’t know how much deeper I can dig before I hit China. And now, back to work. Smiles, everyone, smiles!

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