Saturday, May 26, 2012

The Power of Delete

"You and D*** aren't friends." Powerful words. I sat staring at the page thinking about this statement. Is it true? After all this time, why is it this feels like such a revelation. I'm being silly, yes we unfriended each other, you know, for the sake of distance but it doesn't really mean anything...

"You and D*** aren't friends." If it doesn't mean anything, why does it bother me so much. And why am I once again logging onto his page? To torture myself? To see if he is saying anything about me anymore? And why do I care?

I try to pretend that it is simply my desire to control my own media, make sure he isn't saying anything libelous about me, but the truth is, he isn't saying anything about me at all. Is that what bothers me? No, secretly, under the surface, in the dark recesses of my twisted psyche, I know what bothers me. It's that he says so much about her. Yes, I'm jealous. I'm not jealous that he has love, for that I am happy. I am jealous and angry and saddened that all the things denied me, emails, phone calls, handholding, sex; because his email was monitored or that just "wasn't his way" are given her proudly and publicly. And stranger and more insidious, I feel the need to continue my trend of privacy so that I don't look inconsistent. What utter nonsense.

It's true, we aren't friends, but there are a million or so other people on Facebook with whom I am also not friends and yet, I am not currently trolling through pages of unknowns trying to make myself feel bad. What's the lesson here? Stop beating yourself up. It's true, I feel bad. I feel like maybe I didn't appreciate all the things he did do when we were together. I feel as though I could have done more, worked harder, loved him better, maybe...what's this in my email? Oh, a comic from him to our entire circle of friends...hilarious he says.

And at the bottom of the email, a very funny picture, and in the body of the email a very weird and intimidate exchange about soul mates and waking in each others' arms and thousands and thousands of kisses. Um... Meant for all of us to see? Meant for me to see? Thank you, we are friends. You have just assuaged my guilt entirely. You really are a dear. Yes, "you and D*** are not friends" are powerful words but so are "unsubscribe", " block" and "delete".

Time Management

So I'm sitting here in a Starbucks listening to the man behind me asking his two year old about her day, her week and her life goals. It is charming. I've been noticeably absent lately as I've been struggling to find a balance between working, writing, dating and living. So far working has been winning out. Yesterday I received a pretty serious blow to my awesomeness when the offer on my house was rejected. The dance begins again. But here's the weird thing. I wasn't thrown the way you would expect me to be. I was prepared, half expected it and already knew that things will work out though I've no idea how.

So what is the true struggle? I am lacking inspiration. No, that's not it either. I am lacking time. Nope, not quite true. I am lacking time management. When I'm inspired, I have no time or ability to write down my thoughts. And when I have the time, my mind is blank.

So today, I am just writing. I have a little time, I don't know what to say so I'm just going to talk. What's going on in my life? My first answer is nothing, because, I think, my house isn't selling, I'm spending tremendous amounts of money sustaining it, and tremendous amounts of time in my car driving myself and my boyfriend to and from work. Oh, did I mention as part of my slow down know, take my time, heal, grow, learn from the past and...crap, he moved in. Haha, actually that's a whole other blog entry in itself. A couple, actually. Dating while living with my father, who is also dating and apparently is quite the silver fox is...well...challenging. No, hilarious.

See, already inspiration. And dig beneath the surface and it is revealed my first answer is simply as far from the truth as possible. I am working like crazy, but everything I am doing is in keeping with my theatrical pursuits. I'm teaching, brilliantly, writing a show, producing a show, acting in a show and saving money to go train later this year. So really, my big issue isn't time management or lack of inspiration or even exhaustion. It's me. It's getting in my own damned way. The other day I was really in the doldrums and then I just said f*ck it, I'm just not willing to keep feeling this way. I put out a message of awesomeness on Facebook, a little self-affirmation status and suddenly, I had a slew of people offering words of encouragement. Really they were just parroting back what I had said but ironically, when I wrote it, I didn't actually believe it. But guess what, the act of writing it, puting it out into the universe suddenly made it true.

So what did I say? Nothing earthshattering. "I am going to turn this around because I am a f*cking rock star! No victims here." And it's true. In all things, we are only victims if we choose to be. Terrible things happen to good people, but if we allow those things to dictate our future, to change our life filter, then we make ourselves victims forever. I know it is hardly a revelation yet it is so easy to allow the mire to pull us in, to get so bruised by the vines and briars that we don't even see that we can use them to our advantage.

So I put it to the universe. I am going to turn this around because I am a f*cking rock star and I deserve to be happy and successful. Perhaps, sometimes it is that simple. No, it won't happen if I don't do the work, but it won't happen either if I'm too afraid to ask for what I want. So I want it, I want it all. Maybe it's that simple. Maybe it really is just asking a two year old about her day. She has so much to tell you, she just doesn't yet have the words. So what's my excuse? Exactly.

Now, about my dad...