Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Day Five Without a Net

Day four sea day and day five of no internet or phone access is really starting to take a toll on the morale of the crew. Yes, we know we are at sea and internet it always tricky but as it is, we are all walking around decks like a bunch of zombies in a permanent altered state and feeling completely disconnected from anything familiar is depressing. I see it in myself, though I have been so depressed lately it doesn’t feel that different but my coworkers are short and cranky and very brash with each other, rather to the point that I am starting to take issue with it, despite the fact that I know I’ve been nothing but a pain in the ass since I came on board. I really just want to go home at this point which in a way is freeing because I’m rather fearless about everything now. I’m not rude with the guests or crew but I’m also not worried that if I make a mistake, they’ll send me home. It’s rather liberating. I am taking time out of each hour and each event to just breath and focus on opening my heart again, and releasing all the darkness and poison currently residing there, the aftermath of which is making me slightly woozy and a little nauseous, rather like the lingering effects of a really good deep tissue massage. Note to self: must remember to drink more water. I’m waffling between running on deck four and napping. Yesterday the nap won out and I missed seeing humpback whales by about 20 minutes but I’m kind of delirious and working until midnight so I think a nap might be in order again. Though running has a tendency to rejuvenate and free my mind as well when I’m this tired, sometimes I just end up crying. Perhaps that will be a challenge for tomorrow when we don’t have another time change. More and more, I realize I don’t really want to come back. Though there are infinite opportunities for me here, I don’t think a life at sea is for me. I like being able to see my friends and talk to my family and though they tell you that the crew are your family and friends now, I kind of learned the hard way my first contract that that is not really the case. Relationships of any kind are fleeting on a ship; you grow close to a person, take him or her into your confidence, your inner sanctum and then the contract is over, that person leaves and you swear to stay in touch and never do. It isn’t that different landbound and in theater, but at least there, you can be a little more selective about choosing realistically. I mean, am I really going to stay in contact with my friends from the band when they return to England or that shore excursions girl who goes back to Denmark or the guest services rep from South Africa? No, probably not. Our circles are too small and I have always preferred it that way. I don’t like letting people in and when I do, I need to know there is a reason and that they will be a good steward of my confidence. And I don’t want to be responsible to other people if it is just too hard. I suppose that is selfish, but I think perhaps it is also self-preserving. I only have so much to give and sometimes, I have to be sparing with it.

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