Wednesday, June 12, 2013

A Face in the Mirror

This morning I looked in the mirror and was frustrated with the woman staring back at me.  She is an older and somewhat heavier version of the woman I keep expecting to see.  I started down that old familiar path, telling myself how I had failed, how I had disappointed myself, how I had let myself down.

Now I know a lot of people who really believe that tough love is the only way to improve, that you have to beat yourself down to build yourself up, but for me, that kind of derisive self-talk has never done anything but fuel my own self-doubt into an overwhelming downward spiral of defeat.   I stared into that mirror, searching for the woman I knew was there under two dress sizes, remembering the story I had read about how we, particularly as women, focus on the flaws and completely overlook the wonderful things which make us who we are.  I know I will get back to where I'd like to be, but it isn't going to happen by next Thursday when I get together with my girlfriends.  It isn't going to happen by the next dinner, or wedding, maybe even the next class reunion so I need to be happy with who and where I am now so that I'm not just living for some far off tomorrow, frustrating and defeating myself at every turn.

I went back to the old “Three Things I Love About Myself” exercise I devised years ago when I got tired of trying to out-flaw the women around me, foolishly arguing about who was the heaviest or the shortest or the most flat-chested.  And I realized as I sat staring at this beautiful, bold, seasoned, intelligent, able bodied, well,  Goddess, that I did have one enormous blemish; my own self-doubt.  My own self-loathing.  So I decided to give myself a mental makeover.  I decided to rid myself of my own self-loathing, a trait which was never beautiful on anyone.  And guess what, it’s the one thing you can get rid of right now!

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