Thursday, May 2, 2013

I Have This Theory...

I have this theory that we are never really dating the person that we’re in a relationship with.  Now stay with me, it’s because men and women are so different, not a new idea, but also because we try so hard in the beginning to be what we think someone else would want forgetting that they might actually be interested in the person we already are.  I know men are from mars and women are from…snickers, no, that’s not right.  Whatever.  But I’m starting to wonder if we ever really meet the person with whom we think we fall in love?  Ok so here’s an example.  My hypothetical boyfriend…from Canada…., he wants to mix things up, spice them up a little and I want to be a little naughty so I ask him what his fantasy is.

He throws me a smoldering look, and slowly sauntering my way in his best Barry White voice says, “What would happen if I, uh, was to slap you in the face… with my p*nis?”  Yikes, that is your fantasy?   No roses, or chocolate or roman soldiers, just you want to smack me in the face with your p*nis.  Ok, not what I was expecting…

“So, what would happen?”  What would happen?  You’d be alone, that’s what would happen.  But again, this is from the same species that wants to light the dog’s tail on fire to see what happens and thinks that underwear has two, sometimes three usable sides before it has to be washed.  No it’s true, the surest way to get a man to do anything is to put the word “don’t” in front of it.  

“Honey, don’t put aluminum foil in the microwave.”

 “Wow, pretty, it’s like the fourth of July.” 

Careful though, this is not an infallible assumption.  Like “Don’t get me that pair of earrings this year, they’re too expensive,” will not warrant the same positive response.  Now we women would understand that this is what’s called an opportunity…or a fish.  We are affording you the opportunity to impress us, to show that you love us so much that you are going to get that pair of earrings despite our obvious protests to the contrary.  But ladies, you’re going to end up with a watermelon and a flat screen tv if you try this tactic.  “Ah, babes I got this watermelon because you asked me not to spend the money and this made me think of you because you’re so sweet and juicy…and I saved so much I got this flat screen, you know, for us.”  You might even get a box of popcorn with a bow on it to go with your new flatscreen if he’s a true romantic.

But it’s not all his fault either.  We do it too.   My boyfriend always accuses me of being too analytical, “You’re too analytical, you read into everything….”  I’m betting the majority of ladies reading this are nodding their heads right now.   We read into everything, tone, body language, what book he’s reading; it’s our genetic predisposition to seek out the one who’s going to get us through the jungle, but still want to change poopy diapers.   But I don’t just overanalyze.  I have bad behavior ESP.  I know you’re going to do something, I even think I know what it is so I’m going to treat you like you’ve done it already since I know you are going to do it.  And what’s his reaction?   “Well, if I’m going to do the time anyway….”  There go the head nods from the gentlemen.  

See, we never actually date the people we think we are dating.  But the good news is, somewhere in the middle, down the road, we might just realize we’ve been dating the love of our lives, if we can just take a moment to introduce our true selves.  

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