I am currently rotating between Spanish in 10 Minutes a Day (of which I visit maybe twice a week), reruns of 30 Rock, a book given to me by an ex-which makes me both sad and nostalgic but is, independent of my past, quite enjoyable and a self hypnosis positivity CD. I adopted a policy of “fake it ‘til you make it,” trying to trick myself into feeling happy and relaxed by wearing the joy physically in my body until my mind gets on board. It’s an acting trick that works for very emotional scenes so I’m taking it for a spin in real life; putting my training to use in the “real world”, as it were. I can’t stand Debbie-Downer mopey me and I’m starting to get on my own nerves. The transatlantic crossing was very demoralizing but I’ve decided instead of giving notice I’m going to refocus on my work and see if I can move ahead. If not, I’ll leave but for now, I’m setting new goals that don’t have to do with home or men or children or even necessarily reality. No reason to dream small, right? Now that I know I can reach home when I need to, I don’t need to so much. And the stress and urgency of my life is starting to lessen. I’m also starting to question how committed I was to making the long distance thing work if I wasn’t even willing to spend the money on the means to keep up contact. It is tough knowing that I have this huge hurdle to overcome when I get home but it will be there whether I go home now or at the end of the summer and in the meantime, if I progress professionally, it won’t feel so much like my life is on pause, even if it is, or that this job was a huge mistake, even if it was.
In a cruel twist of fate I’ve developed a mean case of reflux just in time for the Mediterranean which I’m currently combating with a steady diet of bread, Maalox, some tablets from Spain as yet undefined and more water than any human should stomach in a day but I am hoping to stave off the ill effects long enough to be able to indulge in a few Tuscan lunches even if my morning and evening meals resemble Alcatraz.
Under the Tuscan Sun is playing on the crew TV but I’ve yet to catch it and I’m afraid it may hit too close to home. I need to maintain my positive mind frame, each time stretching longer and longer until I spend more time happy than sad or morose. In the interim, a steady stream of self-affirmations has become my mainstay mental supplement; vitamins B, C, D and “I’m a rock star not meant for the mundane,” a bowl of Wheaties and eight glasses of water.
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