There are times in your life when you feel like a sheetrock wall which has gotten wet. Sturdy to look upon but crumbling at it's foundation. This is one of those times...
I am not good at vulnerable. It's weird. I can be open to new experiences and open to people and when others are in need, I am happy, though at times reluctantly so, to help. But I have a hard time admitting to needing anyone. And worse, I don't know how to be vulnerable. Looked at from a strictly academic turn, vulnerable is not good. In it's narrowest definition, vulnerable means open to attack or suspectible to being wounded. Hmm, not good. That doesn't sound like anything I should want or welcome.
But vulnerable can also just mean "exposed" which just doesn't feel safe to me. But love and human interaction, and human contact aren't about being safe, are they? I tried to make myself safe, to be invulnerable to the same hurt I had experienced before, and it didn't really help. Just shut me off to opportunities all around me.
Here's the weird thing. I'm an actor. I'm used to being vulnerable and exposed, put on display to be torn apart by the script, the audience, the critics and I do that fearlessly because in the end, I know I still have the element of control. I can turn it off. I can walk away. And I think perhaps that is how I have approached the other aspects of my life. I can turn it off. I can walk away. Except, when I let myself be vulnerable, I give over some element of control. I can still turn it off and walk away, but some piece of me is lost in the departure.
So what do I do? Take back the control. Instead of leaving myself open to attack, I attack preemptively. It's not blind rage; it's targeted and usually quite accurate. I know people, I assess their weaknesses and, on the rare occassions I truly lash out, I take no prisoners. It's rather like an injured animal that brings about it's own demise by straining against it's confines or thrashing about in terror until it bashes itself into oblivion.
So, how do we achieve calm? That's what the animal needs, right? Calm. Time to heal, to assess the wound and apply the proper salve. How do I achieve calm? Is that giving over power or taking it back? To not say, "this hurt me" or "this was your fault", is that misguided or healing? Perhaps if we can just stay vulnerable,we will remain suspectible to attacks of kindness and strength and the assistance we need. I don't know the answers. It is a quandary.
So why address this on my wacky little blog. Because ultimately you are a part of this journey and this is definitely a growing up moment. If we continue to make the same mistakes, we shall continue to have the same results. So as a single married girl, it's time I learned this lesson. If nothing else, perhaps my next adventure will have a happier ending and you, seeing a little of me in yourself, can be smart enough, cool enough and perceptive enough to avoid the same pitfalls.
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