Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Jane Austen F*cked Me Up

I try too hard. And I love too hard. And I push too hard. And now, I am once again alone. I used to think love was all about compromise and sacrifice and pain, like ballet or gymnastics, where they would say, "If it doesn't hurt, you're not doing it right." And I met my Mr. Darcy and my Heathcliff and in the end, I was never going to be enough. Why? Because I couldn't just be happy, and because sometimes it's not enough to find love. I spent this whole year trying to love myself and become a whole person, and I thought I had gotten good at it. But sometimes it just isn't meant to be. And sometimes, the truth is, it is easier to be complacent than to be brave. I have spent a lifetime being complacent; being too scared to cross the finish line because on the other side of it is what? If I was truly successful and happy and whole then when it wasn't enough, what would I have to blame my unhappiness on? So I shortchanged myself. And then I decided to be brave; I wasn't going to walk away from opportunity, I was going to grab it. But it didn't work out, it was a lovely dream that didn't translate to a concrete day to day reality.

And now I'm sad; it's not permanent and it's not anyone's fault. My husband shall soon no longer be my husband. My lover is no longer my lover. My soulmate was an ethereal fantasy, a beautiful lie that I created in my private thoughts. But all these people started out as my friends. I am returning to the beginning, the scene of my crimes against myself, trying to make good on them. I have said I'm sorry and asked for apologies and cried and raged and sought out calm. But I think perhaps I still owe one more apology.

Dear Laurel, I am so sorry for putting you through this. I didn't meant to hurt you and though I knew what I was doing, I know that it was necessary. We had to try, and risk hurt in order to grow and to prosper. I know you are hurting right now but it will get better. And while you are healing, I will still be here. I know we need a little distance but when you are ready, I'll be here to start again. I love you.

When all is said and done, I think in the end, I may just keep my friends...and myself.

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