Sunday, January 9, 2011

A New Year Mr. Darcy

Well, it took a year, three lovers and an ocean but I can finally say I have moved on from Mr. Darcy. It is a strange thing to wake up one day and realize you are out of love with someone; someone who in fact has been such a significant part of your life. I spent so much time and effort and emotional currency trying to make things work and then trying to get over him that it seems almost anticlimactic to realize I have. When we were first together everything seemed so easy but there was always something that didn't fit. I think we were both heading toward a different "happily ever after". His involved separate households and shared lives, mine involved travel and excitement but neither of ours involved "us". When he would bring up how he never wanted to get married, I'd quell my hurt and think, "that's ok. I think I can get behind that." And I'd never be bold enough (nor would he) to ask for what I really wanted because if he said no, where would that leave us? You make compromises. You start with one, just a little thing and you think, "no big deal, that's a relationship, right?" Then you make a second and a third and one day you look in the mirror and don't recognize the weak-willed woman staring back at you.

You know, when my husband first asked me to marry him, I said no. We were in the midst of a huge fight and he asked out of fear that I would leave. I was not the first girl he asked. In fact, I was something like the sixth. Second to say yes and the only one to go through with it. Now that I am gone and have steeled myself for the journey ahead, he has decided that I am the love of his life; the girl of his dreams. But I suspect it really just comes down to geography and timing. Of course I'm the girl of his dreams; I've been a work of fiction for years. And being so far from home, he can build me up into anything he wants void of any truth of reality. And admittedly, I'm pretty great. Maybe not for him, but in general I've rediscovered a pretty cool,lovely and very funny person whom I enjoy spending time with-so why wouldn't he? And being 10 years my senior he is weighing the prospect of contentment against going into the second half of his life alone. In that scale, pretty ok trumps alone, I suppose. But I don't think that's enough for me anymore. I deserve better; we both do. But I'm not afraid to face the future alone because I'm not. I have friends. I have me. I have lovers, if I want them. But I have a future full of possibilities and more importantly, I have the potential for immense happiness. I don't think I want to compromise anymore even if it means I am choosing to be alone.

I have many loose ends which will not tie up neatly. Instead I shall follow their frayed edges and see where they lead. But when I am asked to compromise, I'm afraid the answer has to be no. No more doing things because I don't deserve more or I don't think I can achieve better. No more dining on the scraps of others because it's so much simpler than saying I want a feast and I'll wait until it's ready. I shall enter the hall in my brightest finery and shall no longer be sequestered to the cupboard. So to all who would ask me to compromise, I say nay. And to Mr. Darcy I say happy New Year, I wish you only love and happiness and you have no hold on me anymore.

Thank you Universe for all the blessing on this past year and for all the players who have brought me to this place. You have all played your parts well and for the first time in a long time, I am the star of my own life story; not a secondary or day player. And I can't wait to write the sequel. It's going to be epic!

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