Wednesday, May 26, 2010

The Lover *

Alright girls, it is time for me to start writing my book about my life experiences. Which means I have to keep having life experiences. But this book will not be the bodice-ripping Jackie Collinseque soliloque to sex, oh no. This is more the Tina Feyesque nod to the abomination that is my lovelife. Recently, I decided to take a lover. That's right, I said it. A LOVER. Well, ok, maybe not that dramatic. Really my neighbor invited me over for hottubbing and we started making out. But I figured, why not? I could use the self-esteem boost. Besides there's not much chemistry between us so I figured it shouldn't turn into some lurid love affair, but he's nice and sweet and down to earth and we promised not to let it get weird. So it was fun and lovely and then awkward and not good and it ended as all of my attempted one-night stands have...with kissing and a hand job. Sigh...

Later he emailed me a forward about attending a fundraiser at his church...double sigh...

The book practically writes itself.

It got me thinking about what I really want. And need. And have to offer. And I realized, I just don't want love anymore. At least not now. I've had the two great loves of my life. I don't want another. But I have no desire to be celibate. So, I am determined to be clear. I'm an awesome friend. I'm a super cool girl to hang out with. I described myself to him, when he questioned my understanding of a statement he made as "I am surprisingly intelligent and soulful girl veiled in the body of a diminutive supermodel." I wrote it as a joke but when I saw it on the page, I realized that is how I want to see myself. I would like to become a whole and independent woman. And as a girlfriend, I'm still a crazy person. So best not to go there.

And of course it got weird. We went out to dinner and talked about what we wanted. How we were friends and we had had a nice evening but that I needed time to heal and figure out what I wanted out of my life and that he wished for nothing more that to support me in my growth and this new phase of my life as I grow and develop and try to embrace the inner goddess struggling to emerge...and then he called and asked to be my boyfriend. Sigh. I have some more thinking to do about clarity. Perhaps that world where you can just be cool and close and still casual doesn't really exist. Or maybe it doesn't exist for me.

I am very easy to fall in love with; this much I know. There is no vanity in that statement; it is not something I wish for, it just is. But I think it is nothing more than a parlour trick. I see in people their potential. And when they are with me, they can see reflected back to them their best selves. This is really what people fall in love with-that feeling. But the truth is, you don't have to love me to have that feeling. It will be there whether you love me or not. The only real difference is, that if I love you back and we start dating, then you find you are in love with a crazy person.

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