Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Introduction to my Journey *

Hello dear friends and welcome to my adventure. I invite you to share in this journey of self-discovery as I figure out who I am many years into a marriage which seemed happy but couldn't be satisfying so long as I refused to engage in my own life story. This whole thing began rather as a sociology experiment of sorts. To fill you in, I met the two great loves of my life at the ripe old age of 15. Not fair, by any stretch. I married the one who asked but continued to love the one who didn't. You are free to judge me; I've no desire to enter a debate about the validity of open marriage, but then I would recommend you continue on because we have so very much to share. The crux of this is that I tried to be all that I could be as a wife, a girlfriend, a lover and a friend. And one day, my entire life changed. Oh, of course it wasn't really in one day and on some level I knew for a great time that my relationships were in big trouble, but the one ended and, very nearly, so did the other.

What did I discover from this complete painful, heartrending, unraveling of my world? That, holy cr*p, I have spent my entire adult life defining myself as a wife, a girlfriend, a lover and a friend. Do you see the problem here? Every definition is a part of "us" or "we" and at no point did I ever define myself as I. I tried a couple of times, but to no avail. My husband thought it a bad idea or my boyfriend was threatened by my independence. Ironic, that! No, that isn't the whole truth. The truth is, I was scared. Because when everything fell apart and I finally had to take a cold, hard look at my life, I realized I didn't know who I was, what I liked, what I wanted or even what I had to offer. So herein begins the journey. It started with a simple post on Facebook-"I took myself out last night. Very liberating. Think I might ask myself out again." And my whole world changed again.

There is much more to tell but suffice to say, I found that my crisis of identity resonated on a level that I could not have imagined. I was fortunate enough to have friends who came to my rescue as I lay prostrate on the floor with no idea what to do. A little care package including Eat, Pray, Love came to my aid. And inspired by the book (which I highly recommend) I began writing. This is the first thing I wrote.

I’m going to try talking to myself and see what happens. I don’t know how to be comfortable in my own skin. I miss my old life but more than that, I need to be fearless enough to find a life by myself. I can’t keep defining myself by my relationships.

Today is the first day of the rest of my friendship with myself. I need to end this horrible painful friendship and this very unsatisfying marriage. The honest truth is that I know I deserve better and I have allowed these men to convince me otherwise. I will not do that anymore. I need to write-every day until something good appears on the page. No need to focus. Just let it flow.
And did it ever. So join me as I learn to love myself on this sometimes amusing, sometimes weird and sometimes very awkward trip through the world of man and woman as I answer the question, who is this single married girl?
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