Saturday, May 26, 2012

The Power of Delete

"You and D*** aren't friends." Powerful words. I sat staring at the page thinking about this statement. Is it true? After all this time, why is it this feels like such a revelation. I'm being silly, yes we unfriended each other, you know, for the sake of distance but it doesn't really mean anything...

"You and D*** aren't friends." If it doesn't mean anything, why does it bother me so much. And why am I once again logging onto his page? To torture myself? To see if he is saying anything about me anymore? And why do I care?

I try to pretend that it is simply my desire to control my own media, make sure he isn't saying anything libelous about me, but the truth is, he isn't saying anything about me at all. Is that what bothers me? No, secretly, under the surface, in the dark recesses of my twisted psyche, I know what bothers me. It's that he says so much about her. Yes, I'm jealous. I'm not jealous that he has love, for that I am happy. I am jealous and angry and saddened that all the things denied me, emails, phone calls, handholding, sex; because his email was monitored or that just "wasn't his way" are given her proudly and publicly. And stranger and more insidious, I feel the need to continue my trend of privacy so that I don't look inconsistent. What utter nonsense.

It's true, we aren't friends, but there are a million or so other people on Facebook with whom I am also not friends and yet, I am not currently trolling through pages of unknowns trying to make myself feel bad. What's the lesson here? Stop beating yourself up. It's true, I feel bad. I feel like maybe I didn't appreciate all the things he did do when we were together. I feel as though I could have done more, worked harder, loved him better, maybe...what's this in my email? Oh, a comic from him to our entire circle of friends...hilarious he says.

And at the bottom of the email, a very funny picture, and in the body of the email a very weird and intimidate exchange about soul mates and waking in each others' arms and thousands and thousands of kisses. Um... Meant for all of us to see? Meant for me to see? Thank you, we are friends. You have just assuaged my guilt entirely. You really are a dear. Yes, "you and D*** are not friends" are powerful words but so are "unsubscribe", " block" and "delete".

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